I've always thought of myself as an "overthinker." But as I've gotten older, I've started to realize that, you know, maybe a lot of people are just "underthinkers" and I'm a "thinker" and that's perfectly okay? I do live in my head a lot, and sometimes my physical self has suffered for it. Butt that's something I've been working on more lately. Changing the oil more often. Protecting the vehicle that drives my mind around, and I hope will do so for a few more decades yet, at least. Because I've got things I want to do. Chief amongst these, with the things I post and my books I try to bring a little of what's in my head out into the world, in a way that makes sense (I hope) to other people. My head runs on constant analysis—of myself, and everything around me. What can I do better? What is more efficient. Am I spending my time on things that matter to me?

I want to be moved. I want to laugh. I want to understand people around me better, and I want to show more of myself to them. At the same time, I know I can be intense. I dim that intensity back to make people at ease, because I like them to be at ease. If they aren't at ease, I'm not at ease. 

When you feel things deeply—from yourself and others—and it's combined with a mind that analyzes everything you say and do and tries to compute what you could have done better, there is a selfishness in wanting to make sure other people are okay. Because when they aren't, it's exhausting.

I used to think I was a deep introvert. One of those little boxes people like to put other people into, and some people like to put themselves into. But things like horoscopes, and Briggs-Meyer, or whatever—they are useful tools toward discovery. I think it's a mistake to think of them as the END of the journey. Instead, I like to take those little nuggets of insight and fashion them into something new. I think I have my mom to thank for that. A Christian Witch, essentially, she was always looking for a church that felt right. And never really did settle on one. Preferring to take the pieces and parts that felt right to her to make her own. I think that gave me permission, in a way, to do that for all parts of MY life. The truth is, I want connection. I want people in my life who can engage with me in a way that feels real, and not just small talk.

(A sidebar about small talk. To me, small talk is blather that has no real meaning to either party involved. It's not "how is your daughter doing?" or "how was your trip?" Those are just nice things and I generally find that interesting because I care about the person/people.)

It's not that I'm an introvert. I just want to connect with people in a way that a lot of people simply aren't comfortable with. And, frankly, I don't want to connect with everyone in that way. Just the ones who seem capable of handling it, and responding to it in kind. And there's nothing wrong or rude about that. Because, look, I was taught to respect other people unless they disrespected me. There is a strong slathering of Midwest Nice over all of this. But the honest, real kind. The strange part has always been realizing that not everyone deserves my time.

What I've slowly (so slowly) learned is to not be responsible for other people's feelings. To live with that discomfort. To realize that I'm the villain in someone else's story. That people will think this, that, or the other about me, and that's perfectly fine. Trying to shift and adjust for others is part of what is so exhausting about being in public or in larger crowds, and why I often thought of myself as an introvert. I think the reality is I'm an outgoing person looking for something real in a world that values the quick and disposable.

Realizing this has helped my writing immensely. The more I've written lately, with the new fantasy book I'm working on, and my work on Dharktyde Racers, has been freeing. Freeing in a way that makes me excited for the future of my writing. What comes next. Too many books I read feel like small talk. They come and go, perhaps amuse, and then fizzle away to nothing. I think there's room for that. But, too much of that, like too many sweets, leaves me with a headache and regret for indulging too much. I need a full, hearty meal. And that's harder to find. Which is why, when I write, I attempt to add those layers in, for those like myself who want to find them. What I'm saying may not be profound or particularly new. But they're in my head, and I feel the need to get them out, even if it's cloaked in (I hope) art and integrated into the flow of a book.

All of this, to say, I have seen and felt a change in myself, and it's one I'm going to keep encouraging. It feels like a magic trick/balancing act. Being more truthful. Being more fully yourself. Reflecting that in the writing. And accepting that some people won't like it.

I want to be kinder. I want to be more understanding. But I also want to value my time, and realize that some things/people are hindrances to who I want to be. I want to dive deeper into myself, and investigate the world through the only lens I have—my own. I want to be weirder. I want to be truer.

I'm a big guy. 6'5'' with wide shoulders. Even before the depression hit in my 20s and I gained a lot of weight, I've always taken up a lot of space, and tried hard to shrink down to make other people feel at ease. Smile at people I pass. Move out of the way for others. Hold open doors.

This is often mistaken for passivity or weakness. Lately, I've been standing up straighter. Letting my shoulders out even as my belly shrinks a bit. Letting go of the constant tension in my back where I squeeze myself into what the world wants me to be. I've been allowing myself to take up space. But I'll still hold the door open for you. I'll duck some in my theater seat if you're behind me. I never mind retrieving something high up for you. And, if you need it, I love giving and getting hugs. But, I also have a lot less time for your bullshit. So, approach me honestly.

My name is Jon Wesley Huff. I was born to a witch and a dreamer. I've got a head full of ideas and thoughts that run non-stop. I think before I speak. I want to be heard. I believe in kindness. And hope. I like silly jokes, animals, and making fun of bad books and movies. Hello. Nice to meet you.